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Are You In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again. Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:
- Using economic power to control you
- Threatening to leave
- Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
- Smashing things
- Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
- Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
- Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
- Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
- Humiliating you in private or public
- Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment
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Guidelines to Building A Healthy Relationship
The following guidelines will help ensure a healthy relationship in any aspect of your life.
- Know yourself & love yourself before getting involved in a relationship with another person; be a person of good character yourself.
- KNOW YOUR VALUES AND HOW TO VALUE YOURSELF.
- Know that you are lovable and capable.
- Be responsible for yourself.
- Take your time in getting to know someone!!
- Know your partner’s family background.
- Be friends first!
- Don’t get sexually involved too soon. You will be blinded & will see only what you want to see.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate!
- Be honest with yourself and others. Express your feelings openly and truthfully.
- Communicate your needs.
- Admit when you’re wrong.
- Sometimes agree to disagree.
- Be respectful.
- Value each other as friends and as individuals.
- Listen non-judgmentally.
- Be emotionally affirmative and understanding.
- Be willing to trust and be trustworthy.
- Feel secure about your feelings for each other without jealousy or possessiveness.
- Be reliable.
- Share mutual goals.
- Negotiate with each other on areas of disagreement.
- Mutually agree on fair distribution of responsibility.
- Accept change.
- Compromise.
- Work together to resolve conflict.
- Maintain the freedom to be yourself & be in balance in your life.
Have your own ideas, interest, goals and friendships; don’t make a relationship your whole life.
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Avoiding a Bad Relationship
We hope the following tips give you a better understanding of how you can avoid a bad relationship. Accept responsibility and watch out for yourself.
- Communicate your boundaries clearly.
- Make clear to your partner how you expect to be treated. Let your partner know that you will NOT TOLERATE ANY KIND OF ABUSE.
- Be honest in your communications.
- Avoid dangerous situations
- Avoid places where you’ll be alone until you get to know your partner.
- Double-date or hang-out together with other friends.
- Let someone know what your plans are for the evening.
- Be in control
- Don’t be helpless or "in debt" to a dating partner.
- Have your own way to get home.
- Pay your own way.
- Don’t use alcohol or other drugs. These substances can severely hamper your ability to think clearly and act quickly if you find yourself in a dangerous situation.
- Be careful - Think twice about going out with someone who:
- Often puts down men or women with comments such as "Girls are so stupid" or "Guys are such jerks."
- Uses alcohol or other drugs
- Enjoys pornography and looking at "dirty pictures."
- Wants to be in control of where you go, what you do, who you see, etc.
- Gets angry and aggressive very easily.
- Uses physical force (squeezing, pushing, etc).
- Drives recklessly especially with you in the car.
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What Is Dating Violence?
Dating violence is the physical, emotional and/or verbal abuse of one partner by the other partner in a current or former dating relationship. Abusive behavior is any act carried out by one partner aimed at hurting or controlling the other. Dating violence happens in male/female relationships as well as in lesbian and gay relationships.
A violent relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Violence is about power and control. When someone uses abuse and violence against you, it is always part of a larger pattern to try and control you.
Even though most people think that violence in relationships happens only between married persons, the same kind of violence also happens between people who are dating regardless of their sexual orientation. Even if you are not being hurt physically, verbal and emotional abuse are just as painful and often lead to physical violence.
Types of Dating Violence
- Emotional Abuse - harms the person’s self esteem or causes shame. Examples:
- repeated lies, broken promises, withholding affection
- jealousy so extreme that it keeps a partner away from friends or interests
- insults and put-downs threats against a person’s safety
- controlling a person’s every move, including how to dress, what to eat, where to go
- Physical Abuse - causes physical pain or injury. Examples:
- punching, kicking, or slapping
- shaking, pushing or grabbing hard enough to cause discomfort
- attacking with a knife, gun or other weapon
- any physical act that is unwanted or hurtful - even tickling or hugging if it is unwanted
- Sexual Abuse - is any kind of unwanted sexual advance or contact. It can include everything from unwelcome sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse between two people who know each other is called "date rape."
Effects of Dating Violence
Dating violence can range from broken bones and bruised self-esteem to permanent injury and even death. Victims may also come to view abuse as a normal part of their relationships. Dating violence can prevent a young person from growing and learning from healthy relationships.
Some of the effects are:
- loss of appetite
- shame, self-blame
- mistrust of self and others
- depression
- fear
- death
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
No matter what type of relationship you are in, breaking up can be a difficult task. We are often being tugged in different directions by our emotions. Here’s some of the reasons why its hard to break-up:
- Love - Abusers are not always hurtful. Many abusers have a likable and loving side that makes their victims with only that the abuse would stop. Many victims think they can change the abuser’s behavior.
- Fear - Many times a date/partner will threaten to hurt him or herself if the other decides to leave. Many times the abuser will threaten to hurt the victim if s/he decides to leave. Abusers often threaten that the violence will get worse if the partner decides to leave.
- Doubt - It’s not always easy to admit that the relationship you are in is abusive. If your date is popular at school (athletics, academics, etc.) you may be concerned about losing social status with your peers.
- Embarrassment - Teens who ask for help (especially from parents) may perceive themselves to be failures. Some teenagers believe that their parents will react violently if they are aware of the abuse.
KNOW A VICTIM OF DATING VIOLENCE?
Here is what you can do...
Believe the person
Support the person
Suggest options
IF YOU ARE INVOLVED IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
Believe in yourself
Get help
Get out
Dating someone is never worth being hurt or feeling afraid.
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